Roger
by Matilda384
Summary: The thoughts of the little sociopath through the first few chapters of the book, also explaining why he is the way he is. It's better than it sounds.


**This is written from Roger's perspective, and these are his thoughts as the story moves along within the first few chapters/events. Since Roger is a little insane at first and gradually becomes more and more so, the voice behind the words is his-so it may sound hurried and lost because that's how I imagined he would think things through. Thanks for giving it a read!**

* * *

All of these boys. What sissies. They're all crying that they want to go home, that they're scared of the beastie. I'm not afraid of anything. I'm not a baby like them. I know what real fear is, and what people should really be afraid of. Been there, done that. I'm glad we're stuck here. I don't ever have to go home now!

We all sit around a fire, huddling close so that nothing will get us. I hate sitting knee-to-knee with these other boys. One of those batty giggling twins is on my left, and Ralph is on my right. He jabbers on something about having rules at camp or some sort. Suddenly, the night wind rustles the bushes, causing the littluns to shriek, and that twin to grab my arm in fear.

_Mummy screamed at Daddy as she threw her belongings into a suitcase. Daddy yelled things back at her. It was another one of their battles that normally occurred. Mummy slammed the suitcase shut and started to go towards the front door. I ran in front of it and spread my arms out, begging her not to leave. In her rage, she grabbed my left arm and gave it a strong, painful yank to throw me away from the door._

Immediately, I lash out at that stupid twin. I pounce on him, growling and ready to punch him right in the face. Never touch me like that again! The littluns shriek louder now, and the other boys are all in a tizzy. Ralph grabs me by my waist and yanks me off of the frightened twin. The brothers grasp each other, holding the other in fear. Ralph is shouting at me to calm down. How can I calm down when that lunatic just did that to me?! Ralph doesn't let go of me until I do start breathing a little slower. I can't take my eyes off the stupid identical pair. Ralph eases me back down into my normal sitting place. I draw my knees up to my chest protectively. I glance at every single boy sitting around the campfire. Their eyes are wide. Good. They fear me now. Maybe they'll all just stay away.

I watch closely as Simon tucks each of the littluns in before they go to sleep. He's so gentle with them, so mild. Us older boys choose a spot on the sand on which to sleep. I don't want to go to sleep yet. Ralph tends the fire as the others lie down. I keep sitting where I was before, in my same stance. I don't want to get too close to that fire. Jack comes to me. He asks if I'm sleeping in that spot. I tell him a quick yes. He lays down not too far from me, giving me my space. Eventually, everyone falls asleep, except for Ralph and that fat kid that never stops talking. They keep tending the fire. It's very warm around me, so I tip over onto my right side and just lay in the sand. I close my eyes.

_Mummy pulled her own hair in rage. Daddy jerked me over to the pile of broken glass, pointing at it and asking me why I'd broken the nice plate. I bawled, crying that it was an accident. Mummy smacked my face hard. It stung. She screamed for me to go to my room. Scared and hurt, I stood there crying, begging for forgiveness. Daddy hit me too. This time hurt much worse; Daddy had strong hands. He pushed me to the door of my room, opened it, and then kicked me inside. He slammed the door closed and left. I sat on my bed crying for hours. At bedtime, I waited atop my mattress with my pajamas on, hoping at least one of them would come tuck me in. I waited all night._

Someone touches my shoulder gently. Immediately, I jolt up to face the person. It's Jack Merridew. He's looking at me strangely, and the two idiots at the fire are also staring from a far distance. Jack asks me if I'm quite alright. I realize that I'm breathing rather fast. I tell him that it was just a nightmare. He looks at me for a moment more, and asks why I was crying in my sleep. He said I was crying loudly. I turn my head away in attempt to get him to stop questioning me. I reiterate that I'd had a nightmare. I can tell that he's eying me. I think he knows.

The next morning, I decide that it might be fun to pass the time by sitting on a rock on the beach, watching the littluns run around. Simon and Ralph start making little shelters for us. That's not a bad idea. I don't feel like doing it though. So I perch on the rock and throw some stones at the littluns. Sometimes I like to purposefully miss just to watch them flinch. Other times, it's fun to actually hit their toes and make them jump a mile. Jack is supposed to be tending the rescue fire at the top of the mountain. I kinda like Jack. More than the other idiots here. He gives me my space. But he also cares. Hm. Don't know of anyone that's really done that before.

Everyone decides to take a small break from working. They drink water from the coconut shells, and eat the berries that the littluns collected. I just want to stay on my rock by myself. After a little bit, Simon comes over with some water and berries. He asks if I want anything. I shake my head. He takes a step closer, immediately catching my attention. He needs to stay where he is. "Please, Roger? You look awfully skinny-"

_I watched as Daddy moved the plate of meat from the kitchen to the dining room. Hungrily I sat down at the table, my mouth watering at the very though of food. Mummy came up behind me and yanked my chair out from under me. I started to cry. She gave me a quick slap and told me to stop being a baby. She said that because I'd skipped choir practice, I didn't get any dinner. Daddy seconded it, saying that I technically shouldn't be home now anyway. He reminded me of the bad report I'd received from my teacher. I needed punishment. They sent me up to my room, starving and lonely. It wasn't the first time either._

Simon puts the berries and the coconut shell in front of me. Instantly, I snap at him and kick the items away. I jump up and grab him by the shoulders, giving him a push off my rock. He falls to the sand on his bottom, looking up at me fearfully. He timidly backs away. I growl at him, and slowly sit back down. I was bad last night when I attacked that twin. I shouldn't get any food. _Bad, Roger. Bad, bad, bad._

Jack later asks me if I'd like to go hunting with him. That sounds like so much fun! I immediately agree to, and the whole time we hunt, Jack lets me do most of the killing after he kills himself one sow. He just skins the small animals I kill and pronounces them dead. But he gives me the power to stab them as many times as I want, to sneak up on them…oh, it feels so good! Everything's at my mercy-everything fears my control. I can finally direct my pain at something else, just as Mummy and Daddy did. Hm…I think they were right all that time-it _does_ feel good!

Ralph gets mad at Jack for letting the rescue fire go out. I'd go stand up for Jack, but I think I'd rather keep an eye on this Henry kid. He kinda runs around like a little lizard. I sit in the bushes and observe him from a distance. He's a funny-looking kid. Robert comes over and sits with me, asking what I'm looking at. I don't answer him. He's weird. He asks me again, and then calls me a stalker. Stupid kid is annoying me. I turn and give him a good hit right in the jaw to get him to shut up.

_I placed the paper from school on the kitchen table, in hopes one of them would see it and mention my upcoming recital. For the whole afternoon, it stayed there on the table. I watched it closely-I didn't want it to fall off or get lost or thrown away. Finally before bedtime, Mummy noticed it. She read the words printed on it as I watched intently, knowing better than to speak. She waited for a moment, then crumpled the paper into a ball and tossed it to the wastebasket. I ran to it and smoothed out all the wrinkles, holding it up to her in my small hands. "It's our spring concert, Mummy! For choir! Can you and Daddy please come watch me in it?" I begged. Mummy stared at me. She told me she wouldn't go if Daddy were going too. I asked her if at least one of them could show up, and she told me to ask him-she didn't want to go. I showed Daddy the same paper. He made the typical excuse of "work"._

Robert glares at me in shock. I like hitting him. He looks kinda stupid after a blow. So I smack him again. But he starts to fight back, pushing me onto the ground and pinning me down. He hits me over and over. I retaliate by springing up and kicking him hard. I claw at his arms and legs, digging deep to draw blood. I deliver the winning blow by fiercely biting down onto his shoulder, making him gasp and pull away. I win. He examines the blood he's covered in, all his cuts, and whispers in shock, "You're insane," before running off into the forest.

I watch him go. He runs stupid. I turn my attention back to Henry, who's now playing a game of catch with Bill. They toss a pebble back and forth. Suddenly I hear that conch whistle again. Both Henry and Bill go scurrying off to answer the call. I don't really want to go just yet. I want to find more things to do. There's a bug crawling on that big leaf over there. I step over to it and start poking at it with a stick until it gets all bothered and starts to play dead. No. You don't play dead. You _become_ dead. I stab at it until sticky juices come out all over the green leaf.

Then, I hear someone calling my name. There's the sound of branches crackling under hurried feet, and then I see Jack. He comes running to me, and immediately pulls me into a hug. I squirm away, not liking all that. He quickly tells me that everyone thought I'd been eaten by the beastie since I was gone so long. Apparently I was out here by myself for a long time. It's dark now. I hadn't noticed before. He tells me that I missed the meeting and Ralph is upset. Jack leads me back to the camp and points out the shelters.

Little Simon comes over to me and gives me a hug, which I openly shove away. He doesn't seem to care though, because he goes about showing me the shelters and how they're near to the campfire for warmth. I tell him I don't like fire. Ralph begins to demand to know where I was all the time, and why I didn't follow the conch sounds. I just mutter something about being busy exploring.

We have dinner next, and I help Jack and Maurice and Robert (who I still am angry with) cook up the sow we hunted. I try to fry the lizards and small bugs I hunted myself, but they burn and get kind of crunchy. However the pig tastes so good. Finally, meat. Everyone eats except for Little Simon, but eventually Jack forces him to take some. I see Simon give it to Piggy, that little crook. I'm tempted to point at him and yell about how he just denied our contributions to the camp, and that he wasn't playing fair, but I decide instead to throw a rock at Piggy while no one is looking. He's so engaged in eating all that meat, the slob, that he doesn't even notice. Simon does, and the twin idiots do too. I don't like those twins. It's bad enough everybody on this island stares at me like I'm an animal. With them around, it's like having double stares because there's two of them. I wish I could rip their eyes out. I bet that'd feel good.

Ralph is somewhat in a bad mood all through dinner, and I think it's still about the fire going out. Bill tells him to snap out of it and to quit being such a baby. Everyone argues a little bit, and then Henry asks if we'll ever get to go back to our real homes if we're saved.

I don't like Henry anymore.

The arguing continues because Ralph gives him an answer that the hunting boys don't like, and everyone fights and fights and fights and that fat kid yells about not honoring the conch rule or whatever and Jack is still mad about Simon refusing the meat so I take this as the perfect opportunity to really get to Henry. I grab him by the shoulder and yank him down to the ground. I climb on top of him and just start hitting and biting and scratching and kicking. Everyone explodes into terror now. Simon nearly faints again, Ralph wants everyone to remain calm and get me off of him, and yet Jack doesn't try to stop me. He watches, but he doesn't stop me. Robert jumps up and points at me, screaming to everyone that I'm insane, I'm a sociopath, and that I have a mental disorder. He doesn't know that only pleases me more-I want them all to be afraid of me. This could happen to any of them, should they cross me. Do not make Roger upset. _Bad, Roger. Bad, bad, bad._ I'm mad at Henry for bringing up that subject. I hate him now. I'm glad he started crying after I finished with him because it hurt so much. I hope his teeth fall out.

After dinner, Ralph scolds me for acting out. He says that the first time I fought SamnEric he let it go, because we were all scared and I probably just reacted too fast, but this time was purposeful. I tell him honestly that it was indeed purposeful, and that I hate Henry, and he yells at me and tells me to stop acting like an animal. He finishes his lecture, and as he walks away, I growl at him. He's too pushy. Maybe hunting would allow him to let some of those frustrated feelings out. It helps me.

It's bedtime now, and everyone is pairing up to go to sleep in the huts Ralph and Simon built. Piggy, the fat kid, is in charge of all the littluns. Simon crawls into a shelter and pulls me in with him. He covers the two of us with his choirboy robe and bids me goodnight. Our shelter is very near to the fire, which makes me a little uncomfortable. I don't like being able to see it right outside the makeshift door, I don't like the smell of burning wood, and it's very hot. I shift around a lot. After a little bit, Simon turns over and puts a hand on my shoulder, asking if I'm alright. "I want Jack," I mutter softly. Simon sits up, rubbing one of his eyes. I shrug his hand away from me. "I want Jack," I repeat. He thinks about what he's going to answer-I can tell I make him a little nervous-and finally says, "Jack's sleeping in another shelter with Ralph. What do you need from him?"

"I need him,"  
"You just want his company?"  
"Yes,"  
"How come? Is something bothering you?"  
"The fire,"

"The fire is bothering you?"  
"Yes,"

"Why is-"

_I put my arms over my face to protect myself from Daddy's heavy blows. It didn't stop him though. I crawled onto my bed and hugged my teddy bear close to me. Daddy yanked it right out of my grasp and ripped its head off. I screamed in terror. My most precious toy had been violently broken right in front of me. I bawled my eyes out, calling for Mummy. Mummy did come in, and when I begged her to sew it back together, she started yelling at Daddy for being stupid. Daddy's anger turned to her, and I was forgotten. As they fought for a long time after, Daddy got fed up and threw the pieces of my teddy into the burning fireplace._

"Because I don't like fire!" I scream at Simon. He blinks a few times, then looks away. "I want Jack! I need Jack!" I start repeating, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I don't even know why I'm crying. I just hate that fire, I hate these boys, and I want the one person that understands me to come comfort me! Simon tries to calm me, then slips out of the shelter and runs to another. I sit in the flickering light all by myself, sniffling and refusing to let tears fall. Simon returns with Jack in front of him. Jack comes into the shelter but Simon stays out. He gives me a gentle smile and then leaves. Jack sits in front of me. "What's the matter?" he asked. I rub my nose on my wrist. "I'm…s-scared." I whisper. He puts a hand on my shoulder. "Roge, what are you scared of when Ralph and I are going to protect everyone? You saw me hunting today. Do you really think I'd let anything get any of us? I'd kill it so fast, then I'd skin it and cook it and have it for supper!" he explains, winning a small chuckle from me. I can't help it. He's such a brave leader. I shrug my shoulders. "I heard Henry say at dinner that if we get saved, they'll send us back home. To our real homes. Jack…I'm scared we're going to get rescued."

Jack shifts in his sitting position, looking at the ground. "Alright, let me tell you something. We're not getting rescued. Ever. Ralph may be talking like we are, and building fires and keeping watch and whatnot, but we're here forever. We'll never leave." he says quietly. I start shaking. "I'm happy hunting here…" I whisper before breaking and letting silent tears slip down my cheeks. He smiles a little. "You're such a good hunter, Roge. I wish the other boys wouldn't scare you like that. But they don't mean it. They all had…good homes. They don't know what it's like to be you."  
"I get angry…"

"I know. It's alright. You hurt people. But look at you-you can also kill! Wild animals, I mean of course. You use the negatives of your mind to hunt. You're such a good hunter."

_Bad, Roger. Bad, bad, bad.  
_"Hunting gives me…control. I like having control over other things. That means I'm not the one _being_ controlled…"

Jack pulls me into a hug, and I let him. "We're never going to get rescued from here, Roge. I can promise you that. Why are we putting so much effort into it when we should be adjusting to life here? I'm fed up with Ralph's rules. I want to be the best leader. I'll give everyone as much meat as they want, I'll get everyone adjusted to life here forever, and I'll hunt everything to keep us safe. No rescue fires or pointless signals. We're going to be alright here. I'm chief." he whispers softly. I hug him tighter, finally glad that someone is going to start making sense. "And when I take the other hunters to my tribe with me, I'll make you the top hunter of the group. That way you won't have to worry about losing it on humans. You can take it out on the pigs. Everyone will look up to and respect you. No one will stare at you like they do now. Because it'll be my rules. And what I say, goes. No one can change it with some stupid conch. And if anyone breaks it, I'm putting you in charge of discipline. You're brilliant, Roger. Absolutely brilliant when it comes to all that stuff." Jack releases me from the hug. I pull the choirboy cloak over myself and leave enough room for Jack. He lays down beside me, positioning me between the wall of the shelter and his own body. Away from the fire. His figure blocks out the flickering light, and the radiating heat. It's cool and dark in my little corner. Jack pats my shoulder as he yawns. "We'll be alright here, Roge." he assures sleepily. I feel a pulsation of power throb through my veins suddenly. We are going to be alright here. Jack's going to start a tribe that's more fit and concentrated on survival as opposed to rescue. And I'll still be able to get all my bottled emotions out. On the pigs. And the sows and other animals on the island. I couldn't have asked for a better result; we get to stay here, in hunting paradise. We're going to have a little fun on this island, and it begins now. _Bad, Roger. Bad, bad, bad._


End file.
